It was graduation ceremony and even though they got out on time it seemed like they were getting late for the gathering. All the girls from her hostel wore the most propitious clothes. Even the ugly ones wore nice clothes and added many different colors to their face. The short girl with yellow top looked sick while the larger ones were bright and presentable in a strange manner or so it seemed to Betty who also did her best to look good. Lip-stick was not favorable as she thought it accentuated her buck teeth which she always tried hard to conceal using a weird expression which gave her permanent stretch marks and a forlorn expression. It made her appear more lost and friendless than she actually was but it made her look prettier than she thought herself to be.
They met the boys near the large tree next to the bus park and instantly Betty was lost in the crowd. Her tall friend screamed with excitement as she met her fat friend.The loud talks and sighs of ecstasies with occasional expressions of " no da macha" seemed to put her behind a curtain. The curtain was woven out of her own intellect where she knew she was better than the others and from a terrible sense of inferiority derived from her thorough understanding of self.
The big city was a retreat, an escape, a feeble attempt to rediscover herself as she wanted to. She did not belong there and she knew it. Betty considered herself to be well read and arrogant. She always thought of herself as the more radical one, the extremist and she chose to hang out with a loud and obnoxious crowd. This was in part due to her desire to stay visible and in doing so, the one whom she chose to like was all very wrong for everyone. She did not approve of his behavior either, but still she liked his rebellious streak. She even realized that underneath all that immature display of machismo he might be a meek idiot but the streak of rebellion was what turned her on. Sanity was never her companion.
Her college in the big city was bustling with life… the change of pace was visible in the daily traffic and even the weather which was hotter and sunnier like her home town down south. However, unlike in her townish village, it was cool to be hip and speak English in the big city.
Boys were better dressed. Even the ones from her place wore trendy clothes and some spotted a beard to cover those chubby cheeks. This made them feel new and acceptable as they tried to shed their image of being pretentious, sex starved, hypocrites which they still were.
There was someone from her village she used to like. He studied in the big city before her and spotted a beard when he came back for Christmas. This time they made out at his place, full of fondling and sweet awkwardness. He had since moved on from ill fitting pants to T-shirt and jeans and on the next Christmas , he fondled her at an internet café at their townish village. On the following Christmas, he ditched her after they had sex. Since he thought it was not right and god would punish them and most of all, he “wanted to move on in life.” He wanted to settle down. ‘That kid was only 22’, thought Betty all of eighteen. This Christmas was his wedding and Betty was 22.
There was someone from her village she used to like. He studied in the big city before her and spotted a beard when he came back for Christmas. This time they made out at his place, full of fondling and sweet awkwardness. He had since moved on from ill fitting pants to T-shirt and jeans and on the next Christmas , he fondled her at an internet café at their townish village. On the following Christmas, he ditched her after they had sex. Since he thought it was not right and god would punish them and most of all, he “wanted to move on in life.” He wanted to settle down. ‘That kid was only 22’, thought Betty all of eighteen. This Christmas was his wedding and Betty was 22.
Betty had since hated the many men from her town though they were always revered by elders for how good they were. Why were they the nice ones when they slapped her when she was ten, abused her when she was fourteen, ridiculed her when she was sixteen and abandoned her when she was eighteen.
The celebrations were loud and boring and the crowd showed more excitement than they could muster. It was a sad day for all the messy couples and dear friends were upset about parting ways. Few tears were shed. The younger ones appreciated them elders who had an year back given them many sleepless nights and nightmares. The elders revered their teachers whom they ridiculed for being incompetent six months back and those teachers in turn praised all those students some of whom they had failed few days back and some of whom they hated with all their hearts. So after a whole evening was lost with everyone praising everyone else, they headed for the pub where they discussed about politics, counter culture, moral policing and call centers. All very relevant topics. A few tried to dance while few tried to persuade others to dance which made it uglier and as night grew late they all parted ways after more hugs, tears, bad singing of old songs to celebrate those old times and several sincere promises to stay in touch.
Betty slipped out of the pub along with her friends. She did not cry but she did laugh harder than usual at all the fun bits. Few of them told Betty how much they would miss her. Betty smiled as usual. She would not miss any of them.
On the cab she thought hard about it and could not find anything that she would miss. She was not upset or emotional, she would not even miss her rebellious friend. She did not miss her folks while she was here, she did not miss anyone. She did not feel upset about not seeing her friends, the ones with her in the cab, anymore. She thought hard and thought she did not like anyone to start with. That cannot be true. She liked them all dearly but she was still not sad. She liked the big city and the college and all the life she had there. Now that was about to be over and she was still not upset about it which seemed weird.
She reached the hostel and those thoughts were still with her while she took a shower. As she lay in her bed she hugged a stained orange pillow and without the slightest thought she began to cry. She did not think of anything or anyone as tears rolled down her cheek. The unpleasant smell from the pillow felt strangely comforting. It felt so comforting that this ugly orange pillow was more beloved to her then than anyone she had ever met. If someone were to take that pillow from her she would be devastated.
Still lying awake, Betty felt the weight of the ugly pillow against her head. It seemed to weigh hard on her... it weighed on her conscience. She felt young and innocent as she closed her eyes and and through a thin veil of tears she thought she could see all the clarity and purpose of an adult.
Betty slipped out of the pub along with her friends. She did not cry but she did laugh harder than usual at all the fun bits. Few of them told Betty how much they would miss her. Betty smiled as usual. She would not miss any of them.
On the cab she thought hard about it and could not find anything that she would miss. She was not upset or emotional, she would not even miss her rebellious friend. She did not miss her folks while she was here, she did not miss anyone. She did not feel upset about not seeing her friends, the ones with her in the cab, anymore. She thought hard and thought she did not like anyone to start with. That cannot be true. She liked them all dearly but she was still not sad. She liked the big city and the college and all the life she had there. Now that was about to be over and she was still not upset about it which seemed weird.
She reached the hostel and those thoughts were still with her while she took a shower. As she lay in her bed she hugged a stained orange pillow and without the slightest thought she began to cry. She did not think of anything or anyone as tears rolled down her cheek. The unpleasant smell from the pillow felt strangely comforting. It felt so comforting that this ugly orange pillow was more beloved to her then than anyone she had ever met. If someone were to take that pillow from her she would be devastated.
Still lying awake, Betty felt the weight of the ugly pillow against her head. It seemed to weigh hard on her... it weighed on her conscience. She felt young and innocent as she closed her eyes and and through a thin veil of tears she thought she could see all the clarity and purpose of an adult.